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I woke up on the 4th July 2013 in Little Rock, Wyoming, USA to my own Independence Day. No matter how well I explained and communicated what I wanted or more pertinently did not want, I at last realised that my partner of 47 years, 43 married, was going to do what he wanted, as he always had. I did not label what had happened as rape at that time, but I had very definitely told him over the previous 4 nights and the following mornings that it was not on. He had crossed the line. At last I knew and recognised the reality of my relationship with him. I divorced and applied for an annulment from the Catholic Church, which was granted based on their reading the 131 letters that formed the correspondence between us before we married. In those letters he clearly expounded on his views of marriage, finances, sex, morality, and my wifely duties, on household chores, on my appearance, my abilities, causing doubt and confusion in me. In those letters he telegraphed his financial abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, spiritual abuse, reproductive coercion through gaslighting and fake apologies. Although I thought we had discussed each point raised, and asserted continuing independence, I gave short shrift to his declarations of jealousy and shame around his doubts about his masculinity that ultimately dictated the ensuing lack of interconnectedness and intimacy I craved and he claimed to desire. I clung to the intermittent declarations of love and missing me and desiring me that peppered the letters, like the gambler focuses on the wins. I woefully believed that once married, all the difficulties I saw pertaining to our physical separation of 400 miles would dissolve into married bliss. They did not. However, I was married, I had converted to Catholicism and I was pregnant. Trapped. So I made the best of it. I was very good at making the most of it, as I focused on the positives and ignored the drunkenness, the coercive control, the lies, the manipulation, the grandiosity, the belittling, the financial control and social isolation. None of these labels, nor those of narcissism, flying monkeys, red flags, or even a discussion around what constituted a healthy relationship were available to me until after I had left. Unedited, I present the letters to you that were like a daisy chain of love me, love me not, that lured me into the web of a narcissist.

If reading this book  or any content on this website affects your mental health, please contact a mental health professional.  This website is for educational purposes and cannot replace therapy.  Be aware that that what benefitted Carolyn or any outcome she obtained from any treatment or decisions she made may create an unreasonable expectation of beneficial treatment within you, as the outcomes experienced by one person do not necessarily reflect the outcomes that other people may experience, even in what looks like similar circumstances.

Yes, the book contains content warnings for sexually explicit descriptions. If you recognise you are in a domestic abusive relationship through any information you read, please contact a mental health therapist or your GP to assist you to stay safe. Take the time to discuss everything with a trusted friend. Do not rush to make decisions. Carolyn cannot advise you concerning your personal situation. Carolyn does not provide therapy.

Yes, you can purchase a signed copy of the book by contacting me.

National Domestic Family and

 Sexual Violence Counselling Service             1800737732   1800RESPECT
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Suicide Call Back Service                                        1300 659 467
Mental Health Access Line                                    1800 011 511
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